Wild roses and the wonder (and guilt) of giving no f*cks
Also, the kickstarter for BETS is now live! You can pre-order a copy!!
The kickstarter for BETS is now live- you can pre-order a copy, to be delivered by January of 2025! Shipping is available to anywhere in the world, and I’m also offering a limited number of signed copies- and not only that, there’s an even more limited bundle of all three of my books, signed- this is your only chance to get signed copies of my other books, if you’re into that sort of thing.
While you’re on kickstarter you should also pre-order Margaret Killjoy’s new book! I’m really excited about it.
Once this book is in the world I’m going to start another novel. I have like five ideas? The next novel might be in the same world as BETS, but like, a prequel? Or it might be something else entirely. There are lots of… themes I want to explore.
Fiction is fun! Writing is fun! I love being a self-employed artist. Sincerely! Who cares about stability? Stability is an illusion. Stability, closure, dignity… three concepts we learn in this life that turn out to be entirely made up. All we have are sunrises, our own positive self-regard, and dogs. Oh and magic! Magic is definitely real. Being a writer feels like magic. Creativity in general feels like magic. Oh, unknowable universe!
The wild roses are blooming here. It’s been like eighty degrees the last few days!! I realized that I own almost no summer clothes; when I lived in Tucson all I owned were summer clothes. I didn’t wear pants; now I have no shorts that I like. There’s nowhere good to shop in Fairbanks so I poked around on the internet and then ended up on Ebay, looking at vintage sewing patterns. Sewing shorts didn’t sound very fun, but what if I made myself a dress from a vintage sewing pattern? I hardly wear dresses? The next day I stopped by Value Village after the gym- the thrift stores here are not great, and at this particular one most things are broken trash and then a few good items that are priced more than they cost new- in 2009 I scored a Schott Brothers lambskin flight jacket at this Value Village for $20, aka the best thrift score of my entire life and still one of my favorite things to wear, but those days of thrift stores not knowing what things are really worth seem to have passed. In the back of the store I found a bin of 99 cent sewing patterns. They were mostly for snazzy vests and doll clothes, but I did find one for a dress. When I opened it up at home, unfolding the tissue paper on top of the chest freezer, I found it to be incomprehensible, as though it was written in a different language. So I made a list of terms I didn’t understand and lay on the couch with my dogs watching youtube videos of people making dresses from vintage sewing patterns. The videos where incredibly soothing- so many pins! Such crisp scissor sounds! And next thing I knew I was drifting off. I roused myself and navigated over to ripstop by the roll, looking for discount Cordura to make more bags. None of the good colors were on sale!
I have something to say about how perimenopause has changed me, but I don’t know how to say it yet. Something about how my whole life I’ve been worried that people didn’t like me and then one day I woke up and suddenly liked myself, and then none of that dumb bullshit mattered anymore. How this feels weirdly selfish, not to care what other people think- when in practice, caring about what other people think makes us act in weird ways that create these kooky, bad-vibes ripples in the universe. Liking ourselves is like sitting in a pool of still water, just watching the fish. It’s a completely different experience. I want to talk about how no longer needing this outsized validation from others has opened up massive space in my brain, and I’m having an excellent time filling that space with hobbies. Wanting other people to like me, though, has always been a huge social motivator for me, and so part of me is scared that if I’m not motivated by a need for validation I just… won’t connect with others? I don’t think that this is true, but I do think that instead of trying to be everyone’s friend, I’ll reserve my time and energy for connections that really light up my brain. Which means I won’t socialize as much as I used to but when I do it’ll really fill me up- there have been whole years where I socialized like crazy and it never filled me up.
I don’t know where I’m going with this. Thoughts! Hormones! The way that hormones shape our personalities! What even is a personality?! Who even are we? Stardust! It’s so funny how I never in my life heard anyone talk about perimenopause and now all of a sudden, all the gen-x women and elder millennials like myself can’t stop yammering about it. It’s kind of fun to be putting words to things for the first time in- what? Modern western history? That can’t be.
There are still spots in my February beginner guided backpacking trips, in case you’d like to yammer about perimenopause together in the desert. One group I took out in Utah in April did this, it was an excellent time. People had experience with HRT, things to help with sleep, all sorts of stuff. Maybe I should organize a group specifically around this? If you would personally be interested in a perimenopausal-themed backpacking trip, plz let me know in the comments!
That’s all for now,
Carrot
Huge fan of your writing and just backed Bets on Kickstarter! Would also be VERY interested in perimenopause themed backpacking trip!
I’ll echo other comments and say yes to the perimenopause backing adventure. I’m really looking forward to BETS! I’ve thoroughly enjoyed your writing over the years. Also, where do we order one of these bags! 🙋🏼♀️