I’ve gotten into romantic relationships because I was trying to fill a void, and I’ve stayed in romantic relationships because I was afraid of being alone. Or I’ve stayed because being in a relationship felt like external, irrefutable proof that I was worthy of love. Of course none of these reasons are good reasons to get into a romantic relationship, or stay in one, and they lead to a sort of eventual unraveling, and confusion for both people. Looking back now I can see where I went wrong, but in the moment we’re only ever animals trying to avoid pain, and we can’t help but make the choices that we do.
I’ve been single for a year and a half now, which is the longest I’ve ever been single (I know, I know) and I’ve done a lot of reckoning, mostly late at night when I can’t sleep, with my various past relationship mistakes. What I’ve ruminated on the most is The Void that lives inside me, and all the frantic, desperate things I’ve done to try and fill it. If you have The Void yourself then you know exactly what I’m talking about (other Void girlies get it) but if not, good for you! And I’ll try and explain it.